Perception

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When you look at her you will see a girl/woman who is about 5’0 (5’1 1/2 to be exact) with straight black hair that reaches her mid-back but is usually pulled up into a ponytail, big almond-shaped brown-colored eyes, a small curved yet wide nose, high cheekbones on a square face, a wide forehead with wide-set eyes, rather plump lips that are two shades darker than her yellow-tinged pale skin, a smile always at the ready because of the upward curves at the end of her lips, and a slightly defined butt-chin. She is of average weight without muscular definition. She is OK to look at – average. Her clothing style is pretty casual. She’s usually in a tank-top or t-shirt in the summer with a pair of shorts/capris and flip-flops/sandals. She doesn’t wear makeup often. This is her appearance.

When you look at her, you notice the timidity in her stance. Her shoulders are slightly hunched, despite the fact that she tries to stand up straight. When she walks in a group she walks more confidently, either in the middle or at the end of the line. Her back straightens a little and her arms hang loosely to her sides. Sometimes, she can be seen with a soft smile as she gazes at people, at her surroundings. She looks curious when she’s with others. She emanates kindness and timidity. She is quiet. However, when she is alone, she hunches her shoulders and keeps her gaze to the ground. Her relaxed stance moves into a tensed stance where she pulls her arms up and twiddles with her fingers. Her eyes dart everywhere and her breath quickens slightly. At this moment you can see and sense the timidity and fragility of her state when she is alone.

When you talk to her, in a group, she is quiet and listens with wide eyes. She smiles and nods. She murmurs agreement and makes small sounds to show you that she is listening. Her body leans toward you and she is easy to read. She is quiet, though. You sense that she has things to say but she lets others speak before her and understands that, sometimes, she doesn’t need to be heard; sometimes, she just lets others speak and nods in agreement, as if to say, “That was what I was going to say, too!” However, when you talk to her, alone, she is more animated. There is no more politeness in those eyes. In place of the politeness, there is animation. In place of those small murmurs of agreements and small sounds, there are grand gestures and wide smiles – giggles and laughs. She is more willing to share her thoughts. You sense that she is no longer afraid to say what she wants to say. Her quiet ways of listening are still present, but her presence has grown; there is a certain type of depth within her.

When you speak to her, she stutters and backtracks. Sometimes, she will physically take backwards steps or physically backtrack to remember what she was thinking or what she was saying. When you speak to her, her emotions are visible on her face, even though the monotony of her voice presents a difficulty of conveying her true emotions. When you speak to her, her voice is quiet, tiny some might say. She sounds like a little girl. When she tries to yell, it sounds as if she is merely speaking at a regular voice-level. Sometimes, she can be loud, but you can see that it’s pretty hard for her to be loud. However, when you communicate with her through writing, she is beyond expressive and the words come more easily from her mind to her fingertips. She is not used to portraying herself through speech, you realize. Her way of communication is through her fingertips on a keyboard or when she holds a pen and the words flow out from her head to her arms to her fingers to the medium she is using Sometimes, the best way to express herself is through art.

You sense her struggles with her appearance, her low self-esteem. You begin to understand her self-consciousness with her voice and speaking her own truth. You begin to see that even though she is timid, she is always herself, albeit a bit more reserved. When you get to know her, she can be a little ball of positivity, strength, a ball of hope. You take a different perspective and do not look at what you see but what you know. You think of the different perspectives – your initial impression, your final judgment of her, her own thinking of herself. You realize that, if you had not changed your perspective and noticed these little things, you may have not known who she truly was – who she truly is.

You see that this girl – this woman – is me and that I am also you. I talk of what I have seen through the eyes of “you,” what I would like others to see when they see “her,” who is me. I want people to think more deeply into the why of “why are you like this?”

 

-lex

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