One Step Closer to Happy

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Hello all, it’s been a while! I must admit – I have been quite busy and a lazy bum all the same. There were things that certainly kept me busy this past week but the week before that and this most recent week, well, I can make no excuse for that aside from me wanting to relax. During my relaxing week, I’ve realized a couple of things and one of them is that I used to be a pretty happy person – chipper most of the time. So, reflecting through this, I hope I can be one step closer to happy.

Just recently one of my friends was interviewed for an all-girls website sort of thing and its main theme was on happiness and positivity. One of the questions was something like this: “On your most happiest days, what can you be found doing?” My friend responded with something like this: “Well, that’s a tough question because I’m always really happy. A lot of people tell me I’m the happiest person they’ve ever met and even I know that I’m the happiest person I’ve ever met, too!”

When I read this question and answer, I could feel a very anime-esque sweat drop going down my face. There goes my former roommate, back at it again. That feeling lasted for one second. The next second I was thinking about her high self-esteem and confidence. I was also glad that she thinks she’s the happiest person she’s met but saddened, just slightly, because I used to be a very happy person, content in life and smiling, laughing, all the time, too.

You see, my friend is a bubbly person whose smile is very much like sunshine. It’s infectious. She also says repeatedly that she’s a good person, a good singer, attractive, and fashionable. She knows all of these things about herself. Although things happen in her life that may be drama or ill-conceived misfortunes, she plows through it with her quote: “Always give 110%. It’s the 10% that everyone remembers.”

Is she the happiest person I’ve met? No. I think she enjoys life and is more than able to push through the worst things that come at her but I do not think she is the happiest person I have met. She is the most motivated and one of the more optimistic persons that I have met. However, through everything that she has gone through and what with the type of person she is right now, I am glad that she considers herself the happiest person she has met.

I couldn’t help but feel a little bummed because I used to be the happiest person anyone had met. I used to be that little ball of positive light and shining optimism that everyone depended on. Right now, I’m not where I used to be. I am not very happy and I want to be. Some days I find myself enjoying a day and riding along but most of the time I find myself stressed out, worried, and feeling regretful.

Even though I’m happy in my relationship, even though I’m happy with my family, after coming to realization about so many things my parents have done for me, even though I’m happy I got accepted into my current graduate program, I am still feeling so lost. I feel so much sadness, stress, worry, and concern. I feel so inept. I lack in the self-esteem department as well as the confidence department. I have such high insecurity and self-doubt that these negative things I feel almost every day are the things that are going to make me remain unhappy no matter how much happiness I witness with my significant other and family. I can’t blame anyone but me.

I’m very happy for my friend considering herself the happiest person she has ever met but it makes me realize that I’m not at my own happiest. I used to be that person but this negativity is coming onto me. I know that I have to fix this myself. I cannot depend on my significant other or family to help me overcome these things. They can definitely help but 95% of it will have to be coming from me. I need to change my self-esteem from low to higher. I need to gain more confidence. I need to stunt that insecurity and self-doubt. All of these I need to do so I can be one step closer to happiness.



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